1 00:00:02,937 --> 00:00:04,970 ¶ This is the way we diaper our kid ¶ 2 00:00:04,972 --> 00:00:07,706 ¶ Diaper our kid diaper our kid ¶ 3 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,843 ¶ This is the way we diaper our kid and.. ¶ 4 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,613 ¶ This is how we drop it ¶¶ 5 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,418 What are you doing? 6 00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,954 Practicing for when the baby comes. 7 00:00:21,956 --> 00:00:24,423 How well do Earth children bounce? 8 00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,925 Not very. 9 00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:29,294 Then what do people mean when they say 10 00:00:29,296 --> 00:00:32,064 "Bouncing baby boy?" 11 00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:35,100 It's an expression, not a suggestion. 12 00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:37,369 Here, this is how you do it. 13 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,439 You put the diaper on like this 14 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,409 and you fold it over like this 15 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,511 and you fasten it.. 16 00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:48,047 ...here.. 17 00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,082 ...and here. 18 00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:52,451 Like this. See? 19 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,753 Here, now you try it. 20 00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,890 It's used now. Yuck. 21 00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:01,593 [theme music] 22 00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:02,921 [instrumental music] 23 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,160 It's-it's time! 24 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:14,466 Keep hat on shelf. 25 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,101 That is good. 26 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:25,077 Hi, ALF, what you watching? 27 00:02:25,079 --> 00:02:27,980 I'm not watching, I'm studying. 28 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,181 Studying what? 29 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,817 The Petrie method of childbirth. 30 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,422 But this is "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 31 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:39,158 Exactly. 32 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,928 You see, Rob Petrie was the consummate TV father. 33 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,764 That's why Ritchie turned out to be such a mensch. 34 00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:48,934 Well, dad told me where babies come from 35 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:52,337 and he never mentioned "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 36 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,439 Your father is a good man 37 00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:58,577 but sometimes I think his hefty bag's not twist-tied. 38 00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:04,283 Doctor says, "Any day now, any day now.." 39 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,187 Hardly a week before.. 40 00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,893 Brian, I have told you a hundred times 41 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:18,197 not to leave your baseball glove on the floor. 42 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:20,866 Oh-oh, here comes Crabzilla. 43 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,968 Sorry, mom. How was your nap? 44 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,170 Obviously, not long enough. 45 00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:28,774 Look, ALF, a woman's body goes through 46 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,776 a lot of changes when she's pregnant. 47 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,245 She can't always control her emotions. 48 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:34,880 Oh. 49 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:38,617 I'm sorry if I've been hard on you guys. 50 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:39,885 That's alright, mom. 51 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,487 Dad says no matter how cranky you get 52 00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,389 we should just humor you. 53 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:48,760 You can tell your father to take his humor and sit on it. 54 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,029 Sure, mom, whatever you say. 55 00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:54,499 Hey, hey, just because you're trucking a wide load 56 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:57,436 doesn't mean you shouldn't observe the social graces. 57 00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:59,871 You know, the worst Laura Petrie ever did 58 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,708 was an occasional, "Oh, Rob." 59 00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:06,278 Laura Petrie? 60 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,914 I'm studying up to help you have your baby. 61 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,616 And you're studying.. 62 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:12,718 "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 63 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:14,853 Of course. 64 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,623 ALF, that's very sweet of you to wanna help 65 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:19,057 but in this particular case 66 00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,426 I think Willie is a little more qualified. 67 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:22,995 Yeah? Then where is he, huh? 68 00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:24,763 Answer me that, huh? Where, huh? 69 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,965 Where, huh, huh, huh, where? 70 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:29,401 I'm home. 71 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,870 I hate when he does that. 72 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,338 Something I should know about? 73 00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,974 Only if you write for "The Alan Brady Show." 74 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,810 Nothing I should know about. 75 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,879 I'm placing myself at the ready 76 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,448 to assist mommy dearest over there 77 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,083 with her blessed event. 78 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:49,054 Uh, traditionally, ALF, that's the father's role. 79 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,088 Really? 80 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,090 On Melmac, the father's role 81 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:56,228 was to stand back and yell, "Pull! Pull!" 82 00:04:56,230 --> 00:04:59,431 - Don't you mean, "Push, push?" - No. 83 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,300 On Melmac, the mother gave birth 84 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,835 while the father went skeet shooting. 85 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:08,140 [instrumental music] 86 00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,880 [sighs] 87 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,683 Hey, Kate, did you know that some doctors say 88 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,285 that women should give birth standing up? 89 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,091 It's time! It's time! 90 00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,192 Stand up! 91 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:31,063 Relax, ALF, it's not time. 92 00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:33,799 Well, isn't it about time it was time? 93 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,472 Willie, you're wearing pajamas. 94 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:43,842 ALF, I'm going to bed. 95 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,044 But when Laura was expecting Ritchie 96 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,813 Rob slept in his suit every night. 97 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,715 Actually it wasn't a suit, it was a sports coat 98 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,383 and slacks and a nice tie 99 00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:53,218 and he kept his hat on the shelf above the bed 100 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,786 and I'm not sure what he did about his shoes. 101 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,954 - Am I babbling? - Yes. 102 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,489 I know, I know, Melmackians do that 103 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:59,358 when they're nervous, also during white sales. 104 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,259 I'll stop now. I'm gonna stop. I'm stopping. 105 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,595 Here I go. I'm still doing it. I forgot how to stop! 106 00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,465 ALF, ALF, ALF, just.. Okay, breathe, breathe. 107 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,867 - In...out. - Breathe like that. Fine. 108 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,702 In...out. 109 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,837 I'll breathe. I'm breathing. 110 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,138 [gasps] It didn't help. 111 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,207 [gasps] What if I can't stop? 112 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,075 What if I talk like this forever? 113 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,610 I'll sound like Madeline Kahn. 114 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,379 [gasping] 115 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,648 You've gotta calm down about this baby, ALF. 116 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,617 That's easy for you to say. 117 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,985 You're phlegmatic. 118 00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,254 I'm tremulant. 119 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,923 Besides, on "The Dick Van Dyke Show--" 120 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,292 Oh, ALF, I have told you a hundred times 121 00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,062 "The Dick Van Dyke Show" was just television. 122 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,731 They exaggerated things to make 'em funny. 123 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,033 And Laura Petrie was a character. 124 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,703 Uh, the actress who played her wasn't even pregnant 125 00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,738 when she did the show. 126 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,407 I suspected that. 127 00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:51,576 She never did get as big as Mount St. Katherine here. 128 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:53,612 Exactly. 129 00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,647 I'm sorry, dear. 130 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,983 First I'm cranky, now I'm fat. 131 00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:00,719 Honestly, Willie, I don't know why you even married me. 132 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:04,923 Could we, could, could we talk about this later? 133 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,926 ALF, I have helped my wife. 134 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,561 The cranky, fat one? 135 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,062 ALF. 136 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:14,299 Hey, Roseanne Barr built a career on it. 137 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,905 I have helped my delightful, slender wife safely 138 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,506 through two pregnancies 139 00:07:21,508 --> 00:07:23,708 and I will help her through this one 140 00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:26,611 without extraterrestrial assistance. 141 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,146 Is that clear? 142 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,247 Fine. 143 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:32,884 I'll make like Imelda Marcos and shoe. 144 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,359 Willie, did you pack that overnight bag? 145 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,360 No. 146 00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:47,032 No. 147 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,402 No. 148 00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:02,948 You use that to christen the baby. 149 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,187 [instrumental music] 150 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,825 [laughter on TV] 151 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,295 Are you all finished with your own personal little doings? 152 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,098 No. I ain't had an answer on my turnovers yet. 153 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,100 I'll take one. Now will you go? 154 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,869 - 'My pleasure.' - 'No, mine!' 155 00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,504 Yeah, he's here. Hey, Rob, it's your wife. 156 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,038 - I think this is it! - Oh, hand me the phone! 157 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,107 Watch out! 158 00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,909 The Danish with the health clause. 159 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,344 I'm sorry, I'll pay for it all. 160 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:33,712 - You're gonna pay for it? - I'll pay for it. 161 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,515 - Walk on them. Look-- - I got it. Ow! Ooh! 162 00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:38,016 [indistinct chattering] 163 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,352 Look! This is my favorite part. 164 00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,490 - Pay for it? - I'll pay-- 165 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,167 You know, ALF 166 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,169 if you really wanted to help mom out 167 00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,639 you could pitch in with some of the housework. 168 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:03,275 No, can't do, Lynn-cognito. 169 00:09:03,277 --> 00:09:06,344 Since no one else is taking our baby boom seriously 170 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:10,348 I must commit this video verisimilitude to memory. 171 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:14,319 ALF, having a baby is a perfectly natural thing. 172 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,555 Mom's gonna get through it just fine. 173 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,090 That's what they said about The Hindenburg. 174 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:21,326 You know, that other blimp. 175 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,599 How are you? Oh, my gosh. 176 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:30,101 Honey, keep calm, keep calm, honey, just don't panic. 177 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,636 Th-there's nothing to get excited about. 178 00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:34,139 Honey, I'm coming home. I'll be home.. No, wait. 179 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,574 You'll wait for me? No. You better not.. 180 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:37,242 Wait for me, if you can, if you can't wait for me 181 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,377 don't wait for me. I wanna be with you. 182 00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,880 Okay. I love you. This is it, James. 183 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,215 - Hey, Rob! - Uh? 184 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,951 - Didn't you forget something? - 'Oh, ah..' 185 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:48,320 [telephone rings] 186 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,925 (ALF) 'Yeah, what?' 187 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,894 Oh, hi, ALF. It's Kate. 188 00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,062 Oh, my gosh. 189 00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:58,563 Uh, honey, keep calm. 190 00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,698 Keep calm, honey. 191 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,966 Uh, call Willie. 192 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,000 No. I'll call Willie. 193 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,568 Where is he? Never mind. 194 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,136 Willie! 195 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,339 ALF, ALF, what's going on? 196 00:10:07,341 --> 00:10:09,074 How far apart are the contractions? 197 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,575 Did you boil the water yet? 198 00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:14,145 How do you expect me to help you if you won't calm down? 199 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,281 ALF, will you just listen to me for one minute? 200 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,283 Okay. Okay. Everything is under control. 201 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,685 Aah! 202 00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,954 - There, I'm fine now. - What's going on? 203 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,289 Uh, I'm seeing your mother 204 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,857 through the miracle of childbirth. 205 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,025 Oh, I hope I don't throw up. 206 00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,593 Give me that. 207 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,395 Mom, is everything okay? 208 00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,531 Uh-huh. 209 00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,033 Mm-hmm. 210 00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,302 I'll take care of it. Bye. 211 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,938 It's time! Call an ambulance. 212 00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,873 It's time to take the pot roast 213 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,875 out of the freezer for dinner. 214 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:46,344 I mean, really, ALF.. 215 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,382 I've had Kate's pot roast. 216 00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:52,684 We'll need an ambulance anyway. 217 00:10:52,686 --> 00:10:55,286 [instrumental music] 218 00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:12,237 [clicks] 219 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,072 Honey, it's time. 220 00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,776 Honey, it's time. 221 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,879 Honey, it's time! 222 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,647 What? Whoops! 223 00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,482 What? 224 00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,851 Nineteen seconds there, Wilmington. 225 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,254 The baby will be able to drive Kate to the hospital 226 00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:32,457 by the time you wake up. 227 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,260 ALF, what are you doing here? 228 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:36,761 Labor drill. 229 00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,797 And it's a darn good thing. 230 00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:42,634 No, it's not, it's not, it's a darn bad thing. 231 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,670 ALF, you've got to stop all this. 232 00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:48,973 The baby will get here when he or she is good and ready. 233 00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,608 If you really, really wanna help me 234 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:53,244 just, please, relax. 235 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,846 Relax, she says. 236 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,616 Anyone would think she was the one having this baby. 237 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,586 - I am the one having this baby! - Shh! Shh! Shh! 238 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:05,156 Gee! Calm down, Kate-A-Clysm. 239 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,958 All this animosity can't be good 240 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,193 for the Tannerlet. 241 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,794 Well, neither is being woken up 242 00:12:09,796 --> 00:12:12,130 in the middle of the night. 243 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,465 Alright. Alright. 244 00:12:13,467 --> 00:12:15,366 I'll just sit right over there 245 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:17,869 and not make a peek. 246 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,370 Oh, Willie. 247 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,606 Willie, make him stop. 248 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,942 Willie, make him go. 249 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:24,976 [mumbling] 250 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,010 Stop? Go? 251 00:12:26,012 --> 00:12:28,780 Make up your mind. 252 00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,215 Ohh! 253 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,684 Willie, I'm a tired 254 00:12:32,686 --> 00:12:34,953 pregnant woman, Willie. 255 00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,188 I know. I know, dear. 256 00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,357 You left out fat and cranky. 257 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:46,231 Help me out of this bed, Willie. 258 00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:49,000 Well, I know when I'm not wanted. 259 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,268 [Kate sighs] 260 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:54,005 Oh, ho-ho, you are wanted alright. 261 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:56,274 You just stay right, right there! 262 00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:58,777 Keep this up, Kate 263 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:01,646 and you'll get no baby gift from me. 264 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,587 Dad? 265 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:12,090 What did you do to these pancakes? 266 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,359 Well, I-I added muesli 267 00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,294 and, uh, chop nuts 268 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,196 and some raisins. 269 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,565 Why? 270 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,702 To make them good for you. 271 00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:27,338 I thought they tasted good for me. 272 00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:31,442 Has anyone seen ALF this morning? 273 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:35,547 Oh, yes. We saw him at 3:02, 5:17, and 6:28. 274 00:13:35,549 --> 00:13:37,715 - Night rounds again? - Mm-hmm. 275 00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,752 He wanted to make sure I wasn't having the baby in my sleep. 276 00:13:40,754 --> 00:13:43,488 I think it's sweet that ALF's so worried about you. 277 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:47,358 Fine. I'll have him be sweet to you for a while. 278 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,827 [yawning] 279 00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:50,328 [burping] 280 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,498 Oh. Morning, Tanners. 281 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,732 Oh! 282 00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:57,869 Would someone mind pouring four or five gallons 283 00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,737 of coffee on my head? 284 00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,440 You look awful, ALF. 285 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,542 Yeah? Well, you're short. 286 00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,746 Did you get any sleep at all last night? 287 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,115 Who could sleep at a time like this? 288 00:14:11,117 --> 00:14:12,617 - I can. - Same here. 289 00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:15,486 - Me, too. - So can I. 290 00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,288 Why do I feel like I'm having this baby 291 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,891 all by myself? 292 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,759 ALF, as much as we dislike 293 00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,127 being wakened in the middle of the night 294 00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,296 we really do appreciate your concern. 295 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:26,664 Isn't that right, Kate? 296 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:28,733 No. 297 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,502 Well, anyway.. 298 00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:34,339 As I've told you on numerous occasions 299 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,674 we're perfectly capable of handling this birth 300 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,209 without your turning the event 301 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:42,213 into one of your overreaction festivals. 302 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,582 I, I realize that was a very long sentence 303 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:47,185 but I-I hope I've made myself clear. 304 00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:48,653 [snoring] 305 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:52,523 ALF. 306 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,558 ALF? 307 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,527 Oh, oh, it's time! It's time, it's time! 308 00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:59,030 Oh. 309 00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:01,532 [instrumental music] 310 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,169 Intercepts, he turns 311 00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:07,405 he aims, he shoots. 312 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,607 Yes. He scores. 313 00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:13,845 A new record for Kareem Alfdul Jabbar. 314 00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:16,247 And the crowd goes wild. 315 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,049 [cheering] 316 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,654 What are you doing? 317 00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:24,555 Inventing didey ball. 318 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:28,159 Hey, wanna play a little one on one and a half? 319 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:31,629 Not at 3 o'clock in the morning. 320 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,331 What are you doing up at this hour? 321 00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,999 [Kate sighs] 322 00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,668 This is it. This is it! 323 00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:38,236 - This is-- - Not it. 324 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:41,239 Your color commentary woke me up. 325 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:44,008 Hey, I have to do something to keep myself awake. 326 00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:46,277 Otherwise, I'd fall asleep. 327 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,779 Sleep. 328 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,282 Doesn't that sound good, ALF? 329 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,550 Huh, doesn't it sound good? 330 00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,986 To-to put your, put your head down 331 00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,888 let your eyes get heavy? 332 00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,356 Yes, ALF. 333 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:02,427 Just, just drift off to dreamland. 334 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,798 Oh. Don't test me, Kate. 335 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,068 I promised to help bring the newest Tanner into the world 336 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,469 and a Melmackian 337 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,006 almost never goes back on his word sometimes. 338 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:16,107 ALF, I promise. 339 00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,342 We can handle this. 340 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,010 Go to sleep. 341 00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:20,979 Hey, I understand 342 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:23,948 that your moods are swinging like Benny Goodman. 343 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,249 But never fear. 344 00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:27,051 I'm here for you. 345 00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,522 I give up. 346 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,925 I give up, but if you insist on staying up 347 00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,094 at least be quiet. 348 00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,562 No problem. 349 00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:40,498 I think I'll invent diaper tennis. 350 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,000 Where do we keep our big net? 351 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,134 No big net. 352 00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,535 Little net? 353 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,039 Lose the net. 354 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,477 Well, who needs a net? 355 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,712 I'm a hoop man, myself. 356 00:16:56,950 --> 00:17:00,385 Yes! Oh, endorse your new line of athletic shoes? 357 00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:02,420 Ha, I'd be a heel not to. 358 00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,721 Ha! Write that down. 359 00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:06,324 We could use it in the tele-blurb. 360 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:09,093 Ha, no autographs. 361 00:17:09,095 --> 00:17:10,194 Positively. 362 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:11,596 [yawning] 363 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:14,132 Well, no autographs. 364 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,734 [instrumental music] 365 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:24,575 - 'You alright?' - 'Oh, I'm-I'm fine, honey.' 366 00:17:24,577 --> 00:17:27,445 Well, I'm gonna bring the car out front. 367 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,147 - Don't-don't be too long. - 'Huh.' 368 00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:32,083 (Kate) 'I'm moving as fast as I can in this condition.' 369 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,719 ALF, it's time, it's time. 370 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,587 Dad's taking mom to the hospital. 371 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,089 [snoring] 372 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,190 'ALF?' 373 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,094 Alf, wake up. It's really time. 374 00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,031 Poor little guy. 375 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:50,802 Here you go. 376 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,841 [instrumental music] 377 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:14,759 [yawning] 378 00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,629 Must've dozed off. 379 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,131 [baby cooing] 380 00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,672 Holy stork invasion, Batman. 381 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,475 How'd that get in here? 382 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:31,909 Willie! 383 00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,378 Oh, you're awake. 384 00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:36,614 You're finally awake. 385 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,850 - Are you alright? - I'm fine. 386 00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:40,084 But that thing in the crib 387 00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:43,621 looks an awful lot like a B-A-B-Y. 388 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,389 I know. 389 00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:48,259 ALF, I'd like you to meet my son 390 00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,895 'Eric William Tanner.' 391 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,765 We just brought him home this morning. 392 00:18:56,069 --> 00:18:58,136 - Did I miss something here? - You sure did. 393 00:18:58,138 --> 00:18:59,837 Lynn tried and tried to wake you up 394 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,105 when we left for the hospital 395 00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:03,307 but you, you were out like a light. 396 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,811 You know, you've been asleep for almost two days? 397 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,247 You mean, I slept through the whole thing? 398 00:19:09,249 --> 00:19:11,883 I'm afraid so. 399 00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,318 Well, Kate couldn't have waited until I woke up? 400 00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,288 It seemed impractical. 401 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,591 I can't believe it. 402 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:25,329 Guess you guys really didn't need me, after all. 403 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,898 I'm such a mokes. 404 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,201 It's not that you weren't needed, ALF. 405 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,436 It's just that when a woman starts 406 00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:34,972 to actually have a baby 407 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,374 you're not.. 408 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,309 ...needed. 409 00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:40,111 You understand? 410 00:19:40,113 --> 00:19:42,313 Yeah. I guess so. 411 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:47,051 What are you thinking about, Willie? 412 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,686 Oh. 413 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:49,987 I was just remembering the first day 414 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:53,324 we brought Lynn home from the hospital. 415 00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:54,859 And then Brian.. 416 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,895 ...and now this little guy. 417 00:19:58,831 --> 00:20:00,398 I've never seen you this happy. 418 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,632 Ah. 419 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,000 I've never seen anybody this happy. 420 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:05,970 Well, of course I'm happy, ALF. 421 00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:09,073 We've helped to create a brand-new life here. 422 00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,875 I think maybe that's the most important thing 423 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,010 a person ever gets to do. 424 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,614 Guess I'll never know, will I? 425 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:18,816 Oh, I'm sorry, ALF. 426 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:19,850 In all the excitement 427 00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,752 I-I didn't think about that. 428 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:25,790 On Melmac.. 429 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,726 ...I never thought much about having kids. 430 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,429 You know how it is when you're in your 220s. 431 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,898 You think you have all the time in the world. 432 00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:36,701 I can imagine. 433 00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:39,437 But now.. 434 00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,339 ...when I realize that it's never gonna be possible 435 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:42,506 for me to be a father-- 436 00:20:42,508 --> 00:20:44,809 Don't say that. 437 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,711 LA's a lonely town 438 00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:49,080 when you're the only orange boy around. 439 00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,516 You can't give up hope, ALF. 440 00:20:52,518 --> 00:20:56,220 If it's that important to you, you can never give up hope. 441 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,422 In the meantime, we're gonna need your help 442 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,291 bringing up Eric. 443 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,759 You are? 444 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,160 Well, sure, who else is gonna teach him 445 00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:06,163 about boo-yah baseball, and pasta polo 446 00:21:06,165 --> 00:21:08,899 and other sports involving the hurling 447 00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:11,369 of inappropriate objects? 448 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,704 Like gerbil hockey? 449 00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,973 No. 450 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,009 Hi, ALF. You finally woke up, huh? 451 00:21:18,011 --> 00:21:21,479 Yeah. Hey, guess you got a brother now? 452 00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,781 Yeah. Mom says it's time to feed him. 453 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:26,083 Okay. Tell her we'll be in a minute, B. 454 00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:34,592 Looks like you. 455 00:21:34,594 --> 00:21:36,327 Thanks. 456 00:21:36,329 --> 00:21:40,031 On the other hand, all white babies look like you. 457 00:21:43,469 --> 00:21:45,403 Say hi to ALF, Eric. 458 00:21:47,173 --> 00:21:48,973 Hey, Eric. 459 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:50,975 How you doing, Eric? 460 00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:54,612 He smiled at me. 461 00:21:54,614 --> 00:21:56,814 I'm sure he did. 462 00:22:02,689 --> 00:22:03,921 [instrumental music] 463 00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:08,726 So anyway, the Tanners decided I could stay. 464 00:22:08,728 --> 00:22:11,128 And here I am. 465 00:22:11,130 --> 00:22:13,998 It's not a bad place to live, actually. 466 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,200 Kate takes a little getting used to. 467 00:22:16,202 --> 00:22:19,837 But you probably already figured that part out. 468 00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,706 Well, Willie said he needed me 469 00:22:21,708 --> 00:22:23,808 to help teach you about stuff. 470 00:22:23,810 --> 00:22:26,344 So I thought I'd start with the most important thing. 471 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:32,783 These are the channel control buttons. 472 00:22:32,785 --> 00:22:36,754 And this one here, is the volume control. 473 00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:38,923 And this one.. 474 00:22:38,925 --> 00:22:40,758 ...that's the entire world 475 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,960 right at your fingertips. 476 00:22:44,497 --> 00:22:45,796 Whoa. 477 00:22:45,798 --> 00:22:48,032 This is the life, huh, Ricochet? 478 00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:51,369 Well, wait a minute how would you know? 479 00:22:51,371 --> 00:22:53,270 You're brand-new. 480 00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:54,638 Well, trust me. 481 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:56,340 This is the life. 482 00:22:57,643 --> 00:23:00,845 Oh, now let me tell you a little bit about Mel Coley. 483 00:23:00,847 --> 00:23:03,381 He's the tall guy with the glasses. 484 00:23:03,383 --> 00:23:05,216 He's a lot like Willie. 485 00:23:05,218 --> 00:23:07,418 Although they don't have the same prescription 486 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:09,420 I don't think. 487 00:23:09,422 --> 00:23:11,222 There, there, look, look. 488 00:23:12,358 --> 00:23:14,291 [theme music] 489 00:23:40,319 --> 00:23:42,520 [ALF laughing]